Why do I think about you? I wish I could just go about my daily life without having to think about you for just a minute. But it seems impossible. Every time I turn away from my screen, in the hopes of starting on my 750 word essay, all I think about is how you're doing today. I think about how you've managed to pass so many days doing precisely nothing, and you don't know how much i'm suffering.

I blame myself for going over to get my work scanned. I should have just gone to someone else's house to get my work done. Because that moment of pretense while waiting for my thumb drive, that moment where I leaned against your bed, and the awkward conversations in between, they made me feel like it's really the end. The coldness of your room, every trace of my presence erased.

But why the fuck did you have to grab my arm the way you do and pull me back as I was walking away? Why did you hug me? Why did you make me hug you back? Why did you have that smile on your face? As if I didn't feel horrible enough, you had to crush me like that.

I wished you'd listen to me 6 months ago that it wouldn't work out. Then all these wouldn't have happened. And we'd still smile at each other in school. And i'd still be going over to do work with you.

I don't want to get reminded of the things that you do. I don't want to keep wishing that you're under my block twisting cute lil balloons for me and then leaving them at my door and then run away. I don't want to think that you'd pass by my block while skating to the beach. I don't want to wish that you secretly care for me. I don't want to wish that you would sms me in the middle of the night telling me you're downstairs my block. I can't keep telling myself what i want to hear.

I don't want to think about you if you don't think about me. But I can't help it. And it's destroying me. And I know you don't give a fuck even if I died now. This oscillating feeling between sadness and anger eats at my soul. My heart is torn beating from my chest. How do you gauge loneliness?

I feel as empty as the night before. I feel the pain and i'm still begging for more. Masochistic, nihilistic, urging back the thoughts. My life is a mess and I can't find a way to fix it.

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works? An emphasis on function rather than design. I am exhumed, just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold. I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat.

My breathing in the night when you're not there. The silence ringing through my ears and all I want to do is hear your voice, but you're not there. Take the away the pain of being me. Soothe my soul, caress my heart and end my fear, all my bad memories.

suri thought at 10:09 PM


Have you ever noticed,
That I’m not acting as I used to do before?
Have you ever wondered,
Why I always keep on coming back for more?

What have you done to me,
I’ll never be the same I'll tell you for sure.

You really are my ecstasy,
my real life fantasy.

Not that I’m complaining,
A more beautiful vision - I have never seen
If you don’t mind me saying,
A lifelong ambition to fulfill my dream .

suri thought at 1:15 AM