Why do I think about you? I wish I could just go about my daily life without having to think about you for just a minute. But it seems impossible. Every time I turn away from my screen, in the hopes of starting on my 750 word essay, all I think about is how you're doing today. I think about how you've managed to pass so many days doing precisely nothing, and you don't know how much i'm suffering.

I blame myself for going over to get my work scanned. I should have just gone to someone else's house to get my work done. Because that moment of pretense while waiting for my thumb drive, that moment where I leaned against your bed, and the awkward conversations in between, they made me feel like it's really the end. The coldness of your room, every trace of my presence erased.

But why the fuck did you have to grab my arm the way you do and pull me back as I was walking away? Why did you hug me? Why did you make me hug you back? Why did you have that smile on your face? As if I didn't feel horrible enough, you had to crush me like that.

I wished you'd listen to me 6 months ago that it wouldn't work out. Then all these wouldn't have happened. And we'd still smile at each other in school. And i'd still be going over to do work with you.

I don't want to get reminded of the things that you do. I don't want to keep wishing that you're under my block twisting cute lil balloons for me and then leaving them at my door and then run away. I don't want to think that you'd pass by my block while skating to the beach. I don't want to wish that you secretly care for me. I don't want to wish that you would sms me in the middle of the night telling me you're downstairs my block. I can't keep telling myself what i want to hear.

I don't want to think about you if you don't think about me. But I can't help it. And it's destroying me. And I know you don't give a fuck even if I died now. This oscillating feeling between sadness and anger eats at my soul. My heart is torn beating from my chest. How do you gauge loneliness?

I feel as empty as the night before. I feel the pain and i'm still begging for more. Masochistic, nihilistic, urging back the thoughts. My life is a mess and I can't find a way to fix it.

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works? An emphasis on function rather than design. I am exhumed, just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold. I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat.

My breathing in the night when you're not there. The silence ringing through my ears and all I want to do is hear your voice, but you're not there. Take the away the pain of being me. Soothe my soul, caress my heart and end my fear, all my bad memories.

suri thought at 10:09 PM


Have you ever noticed,
That I’m not acting as I used to do before?
Have you ever wondered,
Why I always keep on coming back for more?

What have you done to me,
I’ll never be the same I'll tell you for sure.

You really are my ecstasy,
my real life fantasy.

Not that I’m complaining,
A more beautiful vision - I have never seen
If you don’t mind me saying,
A lifelong ambition to fulfill my dream .

suri thought at 1:15 AM


In seperation, I thought we would have more time for ourselves. To carefully think about the things we want, about the things we're looking for in a person. To look at yourselves and realize the flaws that we don't seem to see. But no other reason beats that of me wanting you to take a better look at yourself.

The things you used to do which you don't anymore. Simple things that let me know you care like "I love you and I miss you". Or a simple call to ask me how am I. "good morning" messages were long gone, and so were the "good night, rest well" messages.

Anger and hate has evaporated, I now feel bitter. Erasing every essence of you from my desk was hard enough, let alone put the clothes I left at your house in the wash. That scent of your room that lingers on my clothes. They remind me of you. Sleep eased the moment I put your scent covered t-shirt to my nose, and I wake up feeling as miserable as I fell asleep.

Things that I want to say to you but don't. Messages that never get sent out. They pile in my draft box. And when I do get the courage to try and talk, nothing comes out. No words being exchanged even in a context of a game we play. Just haunting silence on the outside while thoughts as fast and loud as Formula 1 racers speed past in my mind. The things that you will never know.

I don't wish to see you, because every time I do, fragments of what's left of my heart break away. Like this morning during lecture. And I get reminded about how nothing's the same anymore.

I'm slowly destroying myself. Intoxicating my body. And you would never know or understand how I feel, because everything on the outside is just an act to mask what's crumbling into nothingness inside.

You still don't seem to show the slightest bit of concern because maybe you probably wouldn't want to remember anything anyway.

suri thought at 8:02 PM


now i'm torn... I want to get a scarification piece. I also want to get a few microdermals. And i want to get inked again. oh my god...

scarification. microdermals. ink. chants. -wishing for money to appear in my cupboard-

YES! my labret has healed after a short period of irritation, caused by my body's insufficient immunity after lack of proper sleep in the hopes of completing stupid school work for submission this friday.

kudos to non-iodized sea salt soaks that i have been meticulously conjuring up for my lil labret ring. I love you labret ring. you're always there for me. when i take long bus rides to school and even the most annoying of ways when i'm trying to drink from a cup or spoon(soup).

-emo shit- somebody stop me.

suri thought at 3:41 PM


Pastel says:
u just reach home?

Pastel says:
where u go sia

Pastel says:
hah

suicide fusion says:
my friends house

Pastel says:
oh

Pastel says:
okok

Pastel says:
got miss me?

Pastel says:
HAHAHA!!!!

suicide fusion says:
so random.. where's the connection?

Pastel says:
hmmm

Pastel says:
i dunno man

Pastel says:
cos mine wireless =p

Pastel says:
hahaha

suri thought at 11:20 PM


The Nine Statements.

1) He represents indulgence, instead of abstinence.

2) He represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams.

3) He represents undefined wisdom, instead of hypocritical self-deceit.

4) He represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates.

5) He represents vengeance, instead of turning the other cheek.

6) He represents responsibility to the responsible, instead of concern for psychic vampires.

7) He represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development", has become the most vicious animal of all.

8) He represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental or emotional gratification.

9) He has been the best friend the church has ever had, as he kept it in business all these years.


Just look at yourselves. I'm sure you have indulged in chocolate or shopping. I'm also sure that you didn't show kindness to that fucker who pushed you just to get into the bus first.

So who is really part of our everyday lives? Ask yourself.
what's your take on that? Criticize me.. Disagree with me (But prove it).. Agree with me... Talk to me... I'm just interested other's point of view.

suri thought at 12:39 PM


You know you've been Indonesianized when :

1) Your stomach growls when you don't eat rice for a day.
2) You talk during a movie.
3) You think dangdut is stupid, but listen to it anyway, because you're homesick.
4) You are willing to drive 25 miles to buy tahu and tempeh
5) You think Indon Mie is a staple food.
6) You have ever legally bought pirated software or DVDs.
7) You have ever eaten something sold off a cart on wheels.
8) The first thing that comes to mind when hearing the word "Jakarta" is "macet".
9) Your daily conversation may include enactments of TV commercials.
10) You like the smell of terasi.
11) You have a can of Baygon on your kitchen table.
12) You carry your handphone always, even to a "no-service" area.
13) You think of the road as a place to park.
14) Your favorite drink is Teh Botol.
15) You mix soccer and boxing at the same time. (Futsal)
16) You consume more cloves in your cigarettes than in your food.
17) You have a car with 20" wheels.
18) You are very good at avoiding potholes and other road hazards/
19) You think Soekarno is the greatest Indonesian President.
20) When watching tv, you regularly find that all the channels broadcast the same thing.

Obviously there's a whole lot more to add on...
I miss Jakarta...

suri thought at 8:48 PM